I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.