Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*