@awkwardphilippe
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
@GrabTheWEness
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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@awkwardphilippe
@IamEnidColeslaw
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
@mommy_cusses
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
@shegotagronk
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
@iinkedZombie
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
@tweetsbyrocket
[hogwarts]
plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
plumber: why
salazar slytherin: no reason
@3sunzzz
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
@eff_yeah_steph
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
@SequelsWeWant
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
@SarcasticSadOne
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.