When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.