When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.