When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Was it something I said?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Anyone really
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*limbos away from your hug*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”