When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.


I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.


My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.


Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.


[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood


Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.