@SteveMathew_

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

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@_Tempo11

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

@Mom_Overboard

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@skankymunter

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@weinerdog4life

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.