When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow


*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday


I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.


Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.


Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.


My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.


last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex


[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*


The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi