When I said I liked it rough.
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…