I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.