Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”
Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.
A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.