*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I have a new favorite meme page
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve had relationships like this
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.