Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.