@tequilasaltlife

When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer

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@ohpeetie

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

@Marcmywords2

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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

@CruisinSoozan

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

@Jjkinky49Jeff

People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.

@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@carlyken

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@iwearaonesie

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.