@tequilasaltlife

When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

@FrenulumBreve

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

@TheDreamGhoul

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@BigJDubz

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@JermHimselfish

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

@Birdhumms

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

@FunnyBison

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.