When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Peace was never an option