When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Welcome to the stomach
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I mean…but I did
This forever.