@thatUPSdude

When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.

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@YeahDrewisOn

I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:

People I trust to help me bury bodies…

…and bodies

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@VodkaThursday

When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@thatUPSdude

Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”

@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@hazelmotes1

I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.

@Carbosly

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

@SamGrittner

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.