When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.

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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????


Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap


what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti


I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.


I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.


Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.


They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.


Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles


Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.