I’ve learned there are two types of people in this world:
People I trust to help me bury bodies…
When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
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The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
When her friend visits, my 2yr old just wants to hug her a lot… & keep her away from the toys. I feel that way about my friends & my vodka
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.