Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…