@thatUPSdude

When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@scottthetwat

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@funnyoneliners

I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.

@samalmightysam

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

@TheDailySchmuck

They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple.

Clearly, the book was altered.

Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@olerunkbitch

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.