When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Important
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago