When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.


Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?


[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.


I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza


Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.


If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.


10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s


“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.