@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

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@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@jackiembouvier

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

@Mostly_Cheese

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

@carlyken

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

@KrazykurtKurt

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

@just1fool

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you are tolerable of the right amount of bullshit.

@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.