When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy