“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
You Might Also Like
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
just left a huge legacy in there
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.