“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.