When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.