“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.