@VaguelyFunnyDan

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

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@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

@david8hughes

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@AlexvanBeek

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

@ceejoyner

We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.

@roboticcrab

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@LostFelicia

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.