@sock_holliday

When I say books rule you say shhhh

Librarian:…

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: BOOKS RULE

Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah

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@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@WineMummy

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@insoMOMniac

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

@PaperWash

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”

@andlikelaura

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car