When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Attacked by a mop.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.