When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.