Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.