When I say I’m as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England


I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”


Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…


Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food


ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.


[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops


Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.


“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.