@JimmerThatisAll

When I say I’m as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.

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@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

@chrisdelia

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

@BigJDubz

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.