When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
buys donuts instead
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
😅😅😅
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.