When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

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me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you


I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.


the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes


Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them


There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.


A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.




[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.


me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?