When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*lint rolls you awake*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.