The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
LA today:
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.