When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday & my birth

You Might Also Like


I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME


me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao


Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!


discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.


finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice


*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*


Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.