“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
ugh not again
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.