@emiliaburgin_3

When I say “the other day” it can be anytime between yesterday & my birth

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@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@FU_TangClan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@TalibJim

Guys WhatsApp status be like “at the gym” since 2014…. Brother are you going to fight Brock Lesnar or just trying to get 12 pack??!!!

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@SvnSxty

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

@BuckyIsotope

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

@markedly

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.