@English_Channel

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

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@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@HenpeckedHal

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

@Lottie_Poppie

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@bridger_w

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

@VerbsRProudest

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated