MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The happy life.. 😊
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
become ungovernable
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
This guy gets it.
My dad is at it again
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.