When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”


Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.


ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts


How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?


My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks


Sprawled out on piano

I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.

Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.


A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”


Library charged my Visa $15.60 for my son’s lost Dr. Seuss book.

Teri got mad oh yes she did, Teri got angry and grounded her kid.