In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Sprawled out on piano
I’m in the mood for a melody.
I’m in the moooood.
Bartender: that’s it. No more Shirley Temples for you.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Library charged my Visa $15.60 for my son’s lost Dr. Seuss book.
Teri got mad oh yes she did, Teri got angry and grounded her kid.