Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Best seat on the street 😍
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.