@karencreets

When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle

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@AndyAsAdjective

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

@ThugRaccoons

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

@RdrJay47

Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

@junejuly12

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@ojedge

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

@caliraingirl

‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’

–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car

@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no