terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu?
Person 1: To defend myself.
Person 2: Discipline.
Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’
–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I put the U in murder