When I see a car with a Romney bumper sticker driving near a car with an Obama sticker I want them to turn into transformers & battle

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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.


my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”


Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…


The swallow

*walks offstage


I didn’t realise how tiny my wife is until I took her favourite sweater out of the dryer


Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!


AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on


Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that


If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.


Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.