People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You Might Also Like
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs