This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
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Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks