ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.