I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie