@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

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@littleliterally

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

@vrunt

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

@merseytart

Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me