When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.