Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me