when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No