When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.