You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My wife gives the best headache.