I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
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If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Who said that?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.