@nachosarah

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

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@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@LostFelicia

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

@danjan13

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

@PatsATweetin

Dracula: Magic Mirror on the wall, who now is the fairest one of all?

Magic Mirror: Who said that?

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@NicestHippo

You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space

@KielyHealey

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.