Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Called it
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”