@roggyie

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

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@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@PaperWash

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.

@UweBollocks

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

@LuvPug

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

@IamEnidColeslaw

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS