@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

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@RadioPatrick

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@Shade510

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

@ADHDeanASL

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

@GonePhish

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

@Smooheed

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@AaronFullerton

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

@VodkaThursday

If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility

@AndrewNadeau0

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.