When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit