@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

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@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”

@chanelpuke

WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@SondraDeeMe

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

@AimeeHelene1

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.