Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
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WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.
Gonna put this up there and let it sink in…
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I mean, that’s one reason, sure.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Here’s what I think…
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.