When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”


Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection


If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.


I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers


BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what


Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.


If you don’t like my selfies, maybe you shouldn’t have such a beautiful friend. Maybe you aren’t ready to handle that kind of responsibility


Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.