When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.