@TheresNoGodzila

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

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@MollyCocktail

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@ozzyunc

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.

@Holy_Mowgli

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

@sumpeoplelikeit

The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.