I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
You Might Also Like
[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.