When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Grandmother clock.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..