my teeth: flossed
my pasta: sauced
my salad: tossed
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way