@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

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@grHoss

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

@Doughbvy

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

@silkymilky14

Used to think I was sophisticated and mature, then I realized half an Ed Sheeran song ruins my day.

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

@YeahDrewisOn

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed