@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

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@froghammer

Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me

@oscarewilde

[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
dealer: audi
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?

@maybetomhanks

[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@briancthayer

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

@BuckyIsotope

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.