When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ugh not again
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What