When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Human are so complicated
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today