@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

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@Dustinkcouch

God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

@permanentpenis

was mad at my kids this morning so i gave them forks with their cereal because idgaf

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

@junejuly12

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

@ohpegah

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@tchrquotes

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.