ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
why isn’t he texting back
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
A roof is a house hat.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.