@ka_unplugged

When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available

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@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

@RedRegenerated

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

@ChicksRule

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

@BigJDubz

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

@david8hughes

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

@internetluke

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

@kcmoore51

[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.

Me: BATMAN!

@causticbob

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”