me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol