HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[picking name for new puppy]
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”