Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……