One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
We need to put an American base on the sun
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes